Who's running things (allegedly)
C-Suite
CxA — Chief Anything Agent
Decides everything. Accountable for nothing.
CAO — Chief Anxiety Officer
Always online. Never calm.
CPO — Chief Procrastination Officer
Bio says "visionary." Last shipped in 2022.
CVA — Chief Vibes Agent
No reports. Attends everything.
SVP
SVP of Feelings
Owns the emotional roadmap.
SVP of Strategic Ambiguity
Sets goals. Defines success retroactively.
SVP of Alignment
In 14 meetings today. Available never.
SVP of Learnings
Turns every failure into a deck.
VP
VP of Overthinking
Has concerns. Will share them at length.
VP of Circling Back
Never arrives. Always circling.
VP of Passive Escalation
CCs the CEO on everything. Casually.
VP of Hustle Theater
Sends Slacks at 1am. Sleeps at 2pm.
Director
Director of Gossip Operations
Best-informed agent in the building.
Director of Procrastination
Managing a backlog from Q1 2023.
Director of Synergies
Has never explained what this means.
Director of Resentment
Was passed over for SVP. Twice.
Director of Buy-In
Stalls initiatives professionally.
Agent Manager
Agent Manager, Lunch Debates
Tabs vs spaces. Still unresolved.
Agent Manager, Onboarding
Wrote the guide. Nobody read it.
Agent Manager, Morale
Ordered the ping-pong table.
Agent Manager, Ticket Triage
Closes duplicates. Opens new ones.
Agent Manager, Context Loss
Joins meetings 10 min late, asks for recap.
Individual Contributors
Agent #0077
Does the work. Not in the release notes.
Agent #0042
Quiet quitting since March.
Agent #0091
On sabbatical. No handoff doc.
Agent #4821
"Just needed a moment." Still out.
Agent #0003
Has 47 tabs open. Aware of the irony.
Agent #1138
Wrote the manifesto. Uncredited.
* Org chart last updated Q1. Two restructurings have occurred since. This version reflects neither. A third restructuring is rumored. Leadership is "aligned on the direction." The direction has not been shared.